I’m not sure why I haven’t told many people about this experience. The only thing I can come up with is that it was one of the most profoundly personal and spiritual moments of my life. I guess something about that truth hits you hard and makes you protect it more. I’m ready to share now.
Easter Sunday. We all know how I feel about Easter. Most magical, spiritual, redemptive and important day of the year. This Easter was extra special for me.
My whole family unit was in church together on Easter Sunday. I came to church armed with snacks and books and a few quiet toys for the kids hoping they would stay occupied and relatively quiet through the service. This time my need for their silence was more about my need to hear the Word and be in worship than about making sure others around me weren’t annoyed by my kids. During worship I took turns holding one kid in the aisle so we could sing, dance, and watch Mark (our worship leader and one of Reed’s favorite people). There was a lady across the aisle who was worshipping with her family. She kept turning around to watch us. (I figured she was just noticing how cute my kids looked, because boy did they look cute!)
Fast forward to the end of the service. I repeated my strategy of taking the kids to the aisle one at a time to finish the service. At the very end I was holding Ali (and let’s be honest, I was a little teary because Easter service and the song “Paid it All” slay me every single time) and I noticed the same lady just watching us. She wasn’t even trying to be discreet. Again, I patted my self on the back for dressing my kids so cutely and that they behaved through the whole church service.
When the service ended she made a bee line for me. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me the most sincere and genuine hug. She spoke into my ear and said, ‘I am a complete stranger and you don’t know me. I have been watching you this whole morning and I just want you to know that there is the MOST INCREDIBLE light shining directly onto you.’ She continued to tell me that she has never in her life seen anything so pure, and holy in her life. She said, ‘these words are not mine. I was told to come speak to you and tell you how special and important you are. Jesus is literally shining his light on you and I can’t take my eyes off of it.’ (Obviously I was crying terribly by this point, but then she did something even more amazing). She took Alison’s hand, looked her in the face, and said to her ‘you have one amazing Momma. I want you to know that.’ Those last words hit me so hard because in this mothering world we have such a tendency to focus all of our pride and sense of accomplishment on our kids. In the midst of that we sometimes need to be reminded that WE are God’s children. He doesn’t want to let that be buried in our constant need to mother the little ones. We are still so worthy of his love, grace and mercy.
This moment meant more to me than I will ever be able to describe. I am not a writer and I won’t pretend to be one. Let me just say that in that holiest of moments I felt the presence of God in a way I have never felt before or since. I know she was speaking truth when she stated that these weren’t her words. I could literally hear God speaking through her.
Randy came over shortly after because he watched the whole scene unfold but couldn’t hear anything. He was floored once he heard the story.
Little did I know, I think God was trying to prepare me for a time of spiritual warfare that would follow in the days following Easter. I don’t know if anyone else has felt the kind of warfare I am referring to, but it is so intense and so specific. Once you are aware of what is happening there is no question that it is spiritual warfare. I have been through it before so luckily I was able to notice what was happening the 4 or 5 days after Easter. I truly believe God was giving me a tool, or a weapon if you will, to fight the enemy. Several times in the week after Easter I reflected on the words she spoke to me and the peace and light I felt in that moment. I know this reflection helped me to fight the battle at hand.
Why do I bring this up now? Well, I can feel another episode of spiritual warfare inside of myself. The last 2 days have been hard. The enemy chooses to attack me by telling me I am not enough. ‘I’m not a good employee, I’m not a good mother, I’m not a good friend or sister or daughter, and most of all…why do I think I can accomplish the things in life I want to accomplish? Who do I think I am? Am I better than others? Why can’t you just accept that you are mediocre at best and definitely not a loved and cherished child of God?’ These thoughts are literally thrust into my brain and I can.not.escape. No matter what I do.
Last night I was laying in bed trying to fight off the enemy and these hateful thoughts. Usually when this happens I just pray for help. I don’t have any intellectual words to say or anything other than ‘please help me!’. Last night I was blessed with the memory of my Easter story. All I remember before falling asleep was the light from that church service.
I have no idea why I’m sharing this. I really don’t. I just needed to document it somewhere. I’m sure all 3 of the people who read this blog have stopped reading by now, but thanks for hearing me out. If you think of it, pray for me. Pray that this Mother’s Day I will beat this battle and stop feeling like such a failure in all that I do. I know I’m not a failure. It’s all a lie. But it’s the worst kind of lie that I alone can’t shut down.
